Sensitivity and Sensibility

“They talk animatedly for a long time without realizing they are becoming unbearable or that the other person is in a hurry and has been signalling – for the last ten minutes - to end the conversation or showing discreet signs that he is not interested in the topic...

Or they can say words they deem friendly, cordial and constructive... they don’t realize that due to the situation of the moment, they only manage to hurt the other person...

Or they interrupt the conversation, change the topic indiscriminately, make inopportune jokes or reveal confidences that disconcert others...

They desire to lift a person’s spirit through consoling, but what they say and how they say it produce the opposite effect...

They talk in an imperious or domineering tone to show that they are being determined and energetic persons. They don’t realize that every time they act in this way, they only alienate the others more.”

... Not out of ill will but probably due to lack of sensitivity to the feelings of others.

Affective messages to and from others are most often expressed not in a verbal way... but in non-verbal ways – say, gestures, facial expression, hand motions, tone of voice, posture, or even silence.

Hence, one has to develop the capacity to catch these messages before the fact and not after... Read between the lines...

When a person realizes that he/she usually recognizes the messages after the fact, the bottom line is ... Develop More Empathy. For this, one needs to use all her senses.

“The more we are capable to catch non-verbal messages, the more sociable we become. We will have facility for friendship" and love and concern for others.

Sensitivity to others’ feelings “is fundamental for a stable marriage, for educating children, for working in a team, for exercising authority, for having friends... in the end, for almost everything.”

Here’s the good news -- We can always learn and improve. We can be better.

(Note: This topic does not apply to rash judgment which is a totally different matter.)


Ref. Educating Emotions (Alfonso Aguilo)

Failing Forward

This is the title of a book written by John Maxwell – a very insightful book (I give it 5 stars). One part of the book is entitled “When Failure Gets You by the Heart.”

An easy trap – to personalize failure, that is, to simply think and accept that committing a failure makes you a failure. These are two distinct concepts. Understandably, failure can be very painful. Sometimes, it could drain you physically and emotionally. But still, it doesn’t make YOU a failure.

Fail Forward!

Small is Big

“LOVE, like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive.” (Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven)

Don’t get lost in the hustle and bustle of life. Sometimes, we’re too busy with our own stuff – most are actually very licit and good but they take up our entire energy... leaving nothing (or very little) for those who should matter the most.

With the passage of time (for some, it’s all about climbing the corporate ladder) ... we could simply be aiming for big things, forgetting the value of the little ones.

But small details show how much we truly love ... it's how affection is warmly felt. Give it attention ... because our loved ones do. It’s one sure way to keep love burning. The moment we start missing out on these little details, very soon love starts to be cold. And before we know it, even the embers have disappeared.

As the Hershey’s ad goes, “big things come in small packages.”

Needless to Forgive

“That friend of ours with no false humility used to say: ‘I haven’t needed to forgive, because the Lord has taught me how to love’... To forgive with one’s whole heart and with no trace of grudge will always be a wonderfully fruitful disposition to have.”(Furrow, Josemaria Escriva)

Learn to forgive... it will save you a lot of aches and pains. It will allow you to sleep tightly at night. Peace is the consequence of forgiveness.

Forgive yourself, forgive others. Sounds easier than done. But, it's the most logical option.

Why keep a grudge? Why let yourself and others suffer? Why be obsessed at something that cannot be undone? Past is past. You cannot bring it back ... you can only learn from it.

Move on... This is the best path to take ... it will bring you happiness. The other path will only make you sad and miserable. You don’t want that – do you? Of course not, nobody wants to be sad.

Above all, learn to love ... this way, you don’t need to forgive ... because love will fill your heart, giving it no space for even the slightest grudge.

"Specifics" Listing

A friend of mine posed this question to me: What does LOVE bring with it? Simply put, “What does LOVE entail?”

So I thought: I should break it down to SPECIFICS; otherwise, it’s a ”floating love” – simply an idea, not seen in deeds and kept to oneself ...

Here goes my list:

1. Caring
2. Serving
3. Teaching
4. Forgetting oneself
5. Lifting spirits
6. Accompanying
7. Helping to grow
8. Communicating
9. Listening
10. Trusting
11. Sharing
12. Being refined
13. Being supportive
14. Understanding defects
15. Forgoing preferences
16. Not being possessive
17. Correcting
18. Praying
19. Showing the way
20. Thinking
21. Knowing
22. Enkindling
23. Being humble
24. Not abandoning
25. Not dictating
26. Being there in trials
27. Showing affection
28. Sacrificing
29. Enjoying
30. Persevering

Whew! What a list!

Don't worry... very soon, with time and practice, it will all be part of you.

You might even add more to the list ...

Opposite Ends

Everything that has got do with being human has to harmonize --- the will, the intellect and ... the affections.

Affections or emotions have to concur with what the “right judgment of the intellect and the goodness of the act of the will.”

Otherwise, one finds himself/herself in a polarized scenario. On one end of the pole is sentimentalism and on the other, indifference. Both aren’t good.

Sentimentalism is when one gives a lot of weight on the emotions. Feelings become the criterion of the intellect and the prime mover of the will. Feelings tend to dictate and define the character of the person. One thinks and acts depending on how he/she feels. Mood swings are to be expected.

On the other hand, indifference pertains to the suppression of the emotions. One is ashamed to acknowledge the presence of emotions. Love then becomes dry and insipid... the person becomes a cold-blooded creature.

“Emotional balance and maturity” or what others may call emotional sobriety is needed for love to be true and stable.

So, stay in the middle, please.


Ref. Loving “with all your heart” by Jose Maria Yangua

From Ordinary to Extraordinary

In a bookmark I saw recently is written, “Love makes even the most ordinary moments blossom into extraordinary.”

Here’s my take on the topic... Live each day as if it were the last. That is, cherish each moment to show affection, to care, to accompany, to assist, to guide, to correct ... in short, to give yourself. Each moment then becomes extraordinary.

A Function of Maturity

One’s ability to love depends on one’s level of maturity.

For the immature person, love is also immature. It focuses on what I could GET or LOSE. Here are some characteristics:

a. Jealousy – fear of losing someone whom we value or meets our needs;
b. Envy – the desire to gain what others give in order to be happy;
c. Anger – the frustration or inner turmoil arising from one’s inability to control people and circumstances thus blocking what will make one happy;
d. Loneliness – the dependence on others to be happy;
e. Fear – when one imagines that needs and goals will not be met.

On the other hand, a HIGH LEVEL OF MATURITY makes one reach full potential of loving and living. It is based on the desire for others to gain – a selfless love so crucial for relationships to last.

This selfless love involves a lot of listening and perceiving which is only possible if one forgets herself.

Important Note: Doing things for others in our own way is a selfish and immature form of love.


Reference: If Only He Knew by Gary Smalley.

Not From My Viewpoint

I gathered from the book "If Only He Knew" that there are 3 types of love:

1. Companionship - "I like you" feelings which stimulates the 5 senses and which doesn't withstand the pressure of time since persons change year after year; all about enjoying attractive features in another

2. Passion - works harder on the emotions and stimulates body and mind

3. Genuine Love - "I see a need in you. Let me have the privilege of meeting it." It's identifying and addressing the needs of another from their point of view. It involves “asking what the other needs, how much he/she needs and when he/she needs them.” It gives to others instead of taking for itself and motivates us to help others reach their full potential in life. It has no qualifications and does not seek to gain but only to give.

So, obviously, go for the third!

Everlasting Love

Feeling unloved? Not given attention?

Spare a few seconds to read these lines...

“O man, says the Lord, behold I WAS THE FIRST TO LOVE THEE. Thou wast not yet in the world, nay, the world itself was not, and I ALREADY LOVED THEE. As long as I am God, I LOVE THEE; as long as I have loved myself, I HAVE ALSO LOVED THEE.” (Alphonsus de Ligouri)

Read these lines over and over again...

It will save you from a lot of complications... and get you out of whatever crisis you may have, no matter how big it may be.